lonely nights...and orange flowers

i am missing my son tonight, i don't think about him like i used to, he is not always on the forefront of my mind as he once was...i hate this....mothers don't forget about their babies...and i feel like i am slowly forgetting mine. i don't remember how he smelt, or how he felt in my arms...i forget how beautiful he was, how small he was....how the pattern of his hair laid.....he would be
4 1/2 now, he would be my little man...instead he is a fading memory, a thought on a lonely night.
sometimes i still get so fucking mad that he is not here, and i want answers!! but know that there are none out there...i am told i ill never be able to have more, and maybe that's a good thing, maybe it is all for the best that i don't have children, maybe it's God way of telling me i'm not fit...whatever it is i miss my son..i miss my little eddie.