beginning again

Unsure of current weight...will find out soon, last checked 323. OMG are you fucking kidding me? i'm really that fat?!?! how did i let it get so out of control? how do i not care enough about myself to stop.... ok this is where the beginning again shit comes to play, i've got to re teach myself how to eat, how to act, how to live....
this is not me, i am not a fat girl.....i'm just not!!
so, i am walking daily now, and have almost transitioned to diet soda's, not a huge leap, but it's something....drinking more water, and trying hard to not eat as much, and eat healthier...
i am getting married to the most wonderul man in june, i don't want to be a fat bride...
i will always be bigger, but i don't want to be this big.. i want to be proud of myself, and have some fucking confidence when i say "i do".
today: i ate an everything bagel with cream cheese, an apple with a little yogurt and granola, a chicken salad sandwich with lettuce and tomato, fries and a medium dr. pepper; a bag of caramel creme candies, another two diet dr. peppers, some baked lays chips, and lasagna for dinner...holy fuck no wonder i'm a cow!!!!

but also, i walked after work, down to 5th, (one block), then to day ave, (4 blocks), then to 10th st. (5 blocks), and then to elm (one block), then home by way of elm (5 blocks) back to 5th from elm (one block) from 5th to home (one block)...so 18 blocks...not a marathon, but pretty damn good i think....

o.k. more tomorrow....