this was a cause and effect essay for an eng. class...

The Cause of my Affect


I never fully understood how one person can effect your life so much it could shape who you are, until I realized I was an Adult Child of an Alcoholic and I found out why I was the way I am. I finally understand the cause of my affect.
I am paranoid of the world around me, unsure of the life that envelops me. I trust very few people and even if I think I trust you deep in my heart I know I don’t, and never will. Because of this I have but a few close friends. I struggle with letting myself get close to people, that way it won’t sting so bad when they hurt me. My perception of a “healthy” relationship is so jaded it’s beyond repair.
I lose everything, from cell phones, to keys, to drivers licenses (I’ve had 4 of them). I have to keep back up keys to my car hidden because if I don’t I’d never be able to go anywhere. I lost my main set of keys last week, I found them today in a target bag on my floor. I lost my phone book one time and found it months later in the bathroom under the sink with my extra shampoo.
I struggle to express myself verbally, and usually lose the battle. I am unable to express emotions, instead I clam up and don’t talk. My feelings get so jumbled in my head; I cry when I should be laughing, and laugh when I should be scared. In my mind I know what I want to say or feel, but can’t convey that to the public.
I am so spacey and dingy that once when it was raining and I drove under a bridge I thought the rain had stopped until I came out the other side. My thoughts change direction so fast it could make your head spin. I find it nearly impossible to think on one subject for more than 30 seconds. My mind races constantly.
I panic over everything from Global Warming to being diagnosed with Cancer, to if my dog really loves me. My panic attacks got so bad that in the tenth grade I missed eighty-nine days of school, and had to appeal my absences. I’ve been on countless anti-anxiety meds, but have ultimately decided to deal with it. Although fear consumes probably ninety-five percent of my time.
I have had high blood pressure since the eighth grade, due mostly to stress. My life stays in a heaping knot of tension. I lose sleep over this, and have stress related back problems too. But have found that I don’t deal well with my life when it’s not in constant disarray.
All of these things stem from just one man, one alcoholic: My father. I have only recently discovered that this is why I am the way I am; this is the reason I am no longer close to my father. I still love him very much, and always will. Without him, I wouldn’t be me: To not have sat in a bar with him at age three; to not have had to pick him up out of the floor when he got too drunk and fell from his wheelchair; to not have seen him all bruised and broken after his drinking-related accidents, would change who I am, who I have been, and who I will be. And despite all my faults and my wide array of problems, I’m okay with being me.